I don't want to be a Queen, I want to be a Princess!

So.... five years ago I remember my first Queen coronation ritual with the coven I began practicing with in the East Bay area of San Francisco.  I can be very nervous and shy around strangers so I was uncomfortable from my own version of social anxiety.  Along with the fact that at the time I had bound myself so tight that I was very unable to fully express myself or realize that I was royalty in my own life/world.

The very idea of being a queen was quite alien to me.  The idea that I had any sort of worth like that was ... mind boggling.  I remember going through the first Queen coronation ritual and thinking "Gosh this feels good but I don't deserve this me being here is going to taint all their Queenly energy" or at least similar thoughts.  You get the picture.

Now that's not to say that it didn't feel good. Ritual has been, and always will be, healing for me.  With healing also comes realization thus over the next year (and with the help of subsequent rituals) I realized that my thoughts like that were problematic and I didn't deserve to think so negatively about myself.  It was early that next year with the coven's Dedication ritual that I first started working directly with specific deities.  I dedicated a year to Freya which began a 5 year period of intense inner work that I'm glad I'm out of for the time being.

Throughout the next years I would dedicate to being a Witch (which I shall continue to do) and that really helped me focus my mind on things.  I honestly don't remember who I dedicated to the year after Freya (maybe that was the year I was sick...) but throughout those subsequent years I would do a lot of thinking and meditating and pondering on what exactly does it mean to be a Queen?  What does it mean in general and what does it mean for me?

One thing about being a Queen that really spoke to me was the Queen receives.  When you accept being a Queen (or King or simply Royal; or whatever you want to call yourself based upon your personal gender identification) you also begin allowing yourself to receive; you can treat yourself. You can sit back while the child/spouse/partner/maid does the cleaning.  You allow yourself to take time off and pamper yourself.  You also receive by taking charge and removing the negative from your life.  I loved this, and still do.  But that doesn't make it easy.  In fact, in ways it makes it harder because...loving it...means I want to do it...which means I have to learn how to do it...and actually do it.

Growing up it was pounded into me (figuratively!) that what we do affects others.  And ... well ... duh.  At any rate while growing up any time I did something it was consistently pointed out how what I did affected my mother (mostly) and others.  So once I got old enough to begin making decisions on my own all of my decisions revolved around how they would affect others.  To this day I, basically daily, make decisions based upon other's reactions and frequently, not always but close enough, "just deal" and "take the hit" (whatever that may mean; doing extra work, not getting something, waiting longer for something, not arguing my valid point, etc) so the other persons reaction will be muted, less,

Every time I do this it pisses me off and working with Queenly energies and aspects has really helped me curb this.  I used to be the proverbial doormat and thankfully my longtime boyfriend has helped me with that, working to ensure that I speak my mind and so forth.  At any rate over the years I've done the Queen coronation ceremony every year (save the one I was ill) and every year it healed me a bit more and a bit more...but...I never felt like a Queen!  And that truly bothered me and naturally I blamed myself.  However I have recently realized (like within the last couple weeks) that I don't want to be a fucking Queen!  I want to be the gods blessed Princess!

Ever since I was a child whenever it would come up, I would always think to myself that exact line. I don't want to be a Queen, I would much rather be the Princess.  And I'd have similar reasons why, reasons that to this day make sense to me, for me.  I have so many reasons for this... and some of them bring up some issues and make me feel the need to defend myself even when no one has said anything...but I suppose this is really the first time I've voiced any of this LOL

I don't know...I have always been a B type personality... I am a follower, not a leader.  If something causes me problems or stress or worry I just throw it away, or block the account, or forget the website or just stop talking to the person.  I am flighty and irresponsible and despite our issues I am unequivocally spoiled by my mother.  If I want it and have the money I buy it.  I am emotional and flit from interest to interest to interest.  I am the spoiled rotten Princess.  I am *not* the Queen who sits on her sedate throne and orders people about and drafts charters and follows the rules.  I do not make the decisions with forethought and I am damn tired about only thinking of relations with other countries! (Of course I'm referring to the above paragraph about only worrying about what other people think/do/react.)

 I see the Princess as someone who also receives.  She sits back and let's people pile the gifts to her!  She has some responsibilities, often it's the Princess who takes care of the charities, who goes and sees the sick children and takes care of animals.

She only hands out with who she wants to and if someone brings her down, upsets her or does something bad to her family or the country she kicks them out of her circle.

She has responsibilities, but not too many!  She makes decisions, but not too major of ones!  Because she is the Princess she can flit around and try out new things and engage in her hobbies and still keep that youthful vigor!  I am very childlike. I always have been and I always will be and many Princesses always have this side to them and that's perfectly okay because a Princess can be someone of any age! They can still have fun no matter what.

I just... really identify more as a Princess and so I think I'm going to run with this. Maybe I just need a stepping stone to Queendom or maybe this is just me finally findtng this part of myself and accepting it. I guess we'll see.